Shipwrecked

Emotions. That's all they are, they pass. You will not be overwhelmed by them as much as you are now. You will feel better the next day. And then, that one song is enough to trigger all those emotions back in you, you are left feeling vulnerable and exposed again. They say it gets easier and then you would forget. But all you needed were the answers to the questions that they left you with. You turn to distractions, netflix, food and friends. Perhaps your friends already know the story and the repeating them does not make anything better. You feel like a defeated hopeless soul. "Perhaps I am not the best person and I deserved what happened to me." And you are still trying to see the big picture, how it could be a blessing in disguise and that I should stop beating myself up. I often wonder how these wounds would make you a better person, they make me bitter and untrusting. They make me more cynical, less optimistic and more afraid. 

SHE

I don't like the way my chin doubles when I look down at my shoes,

I don't like how my flabby arms peek out of my half sleeve,

I don't like how I falter when I walk in my heels,

I don't like the fact that my nose is not sharp, the way pretty clothes don't fit me and my jeans is too tight at my waist. I don't like how I got tiny chubby fingers and a muffin top that makes my dresses look clumsy.

I don't like how I laugh like a big old man sometimes and my voice comes out squeaky when I tell a sad story. I don't like that I burn my fingers when I am cooking (rarely though). I don't like how they judge me for dressing up like a tomboy or spend too much on shopping. I don't like how some things never go my way and how I worry about petty things that cause no harm.

I don't like that when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't recognize who I really am, I get lost, I feel trapped. I feel all the emotions at once and the very next moment , I am a unfeeling robot.

But..

I love .. love how my eyes crinkle when I smile.

I love how my lips look puffy and radiant when I apply that particular shade of pink.

I love how my hair go wavy naturally and gracefully after I wash and let em dry.

I love how my face shimmers when I come back from gym, how my lower back is arched beautifully and how my thighs look attractive in jeans. I love my pout in pictures and that wink that goes along so frigging well.

I love how I start a story with a monotone just to crack people up with the punchline. I love how I can infuse my energy into the room, easily make people dance and sing at parties. I love the generosity I show toward people. I love how I accept my mistakes and learn from them. I love how I still trust in the goodness of people despite heartbreaks, rejections and humiliations. I love how strong I have become and yet don't fear to show some vulnerability. I love how things fall into place when I don't lose hope. I love how I feel lost and yet find myself every morning.

Either love or hate myself sometimes I have to make that choice every frigging day and I choose to love myself unapologetically and unconditionally every single time, like I would love another soul.

Comfortably Numb,

Back to You

Have you ever felt like some things that you keep throwing or putting away, keep coming back to you, like that book that always end up in my purse, and you just got to finish it, that one pair of shoes that you were going to dispose of, turns out to be the most comfortable one and you fucking wear them almost everyday. It is weird and a bit astonishing knowing that you just cannot escape things and people that are meant to be there in your life. You just got to accept them or maybe cherish them :)

#peaceOut #ThingsThatAmazeMe

Life As It Is. ♣

There comes a time when you sit down, conjure yourself in the moment and reflect upon just everything going on in your  life. You do not just live in one reality but hundreds of them.  A million possibilities that were left unexplored, the decisions that gave you no way out and you feel stuck. You ask yourself what you really want out of life while you drag along each day mindlessly. The routine ain't exciting anymore. What you really want to do is, take a dive and feel the whole spectrum of emotions that make you feel alive. But you feel stuck, either in past or future.  They say life is suffering and you begin to realize how true that is. You cannot recall a time in your life when you were there, in the moment, 100% without any emotional baggage, anxiety or restlessness of life. When you were patient and the uncertainty of the next moment could not stir the anxiety in you. It is tough, I do not call it easy. Because I don't think there will be a time in life when all your worries of future and hurt from past will melt away magically and you will decide to live each moment consciously. And all you ever wanted was to be happy and yet, when someone asks you about the last time you were happy, you could only recall the sound of laughter and giggles from a party or an occasion few weeks back. 

But what you really are after is Joy - the feeling of fulfillment, the feeling of being connected, the feeling that we are making a difference in this world somehow. And it so damn difficult to keep aside your insecurities when you have been trapped in this web of fear throughout your life, rethinking each thought and action.What is needed is,  to live only one reality, to see things for how they really are. To keep moving forward chasing a dream and while you do that, take nothing for granted, be grateful to every moment, the things and people that make up that moment. Find a purpose worth living and dying for. And eventually, the ghosts from past will be tired of chasing you. There will be days when motivation will be hard to find. There will be self-doubt. There will be voices from outside and in your head, keeping you safe, protecting you from failure and embarrassment. And you will have to remember that nothing is bigger than the dream, the purpose - the only thing that could free you from the suffering. 

Engulfed in Madness,